Revelation

I had a sudden flash of revelation... I know now why I had been scared of the sea in Okinawa. Why when we jumped off the boat into the water near Taketomi, I was hesitant even though I wanted to do it very much. Why kayaking in Higashi was fun, but I could be on/in the water only with a life-jacket. Why countless time I wouldn't stay in the water for hours like I always had done before going to Okinawa. Why I wasn't braver in the water. I was not afraid of the ocean, I was afraid of myself. I know now that it would have come easily for me to let go... let the tide take me where it may... and maybe unconsciously I was not ready for that yet, I was too happy and felt I needed more time. It wouldn't be very difficult to walk into the sea when I am finally prepared... it would be painful, I know... but I think it would be peaceful as well... such a calm descends over me when I think of it. I wish I could let go now... too bad Delhi is surrounded by land and the only water body - the yamuna - is as good as a drain...