blind faith

I was tested today. It was a test in blind faith in another human being... well, actually a family.

I was walking back home from the market this evening. The sun had gone down in a blaze of red and it was dark by the time I reached the road to my apartment complex. Just outside the complex, I saw a man with his wife and the wife holding a baby in her arms. They were looking very lost and as I approached them, something inside me wanted to ask them what was wrong, and if I could help in any way. I held back and didn't ask. But the man spoke up as I passed by, and asked if I could speak Marathi (a regional language of India, primarily spoken in the state called Maharashtra). I said no. Hindi? yes. He said some men ran off with their money and they were stranded in Delhi without food, without shelter. He is a house painter, but obviously could not find work at that time of day. They looked working class, but were not in rags. They were hungry and thirsty and tired, but worst, they were dejected. He expressed his pain at having come to beg like this and asked for money to go back to Maharashtra. He said he would send the money back if I could give an address where to send it.

I was uncomfortable. I thought maybe they needed directions to get somewhere. I would have gladly helped with that. But when it came to money, I get very uncomfortable. Even with beggars, I have mixed feelings. I want to help, but is my loose change actually helping? In India, we are made to distrust beggars from a very young age. Maybe we have so many beggars that those who are in a better financial condition simply create this distrust in order not to succumb to each and every one of them, even those who perhaps in all probability are actually destitute.

Most crucial is the question: Will giving money to a beggar actually propel him/her to work instead of simply begging? Some actually have day jobs at construction sites and beg by night for a few extra rupees. Or set their innumerable children to do the begging at streetlights, markets and tourist spots.

My oldest memory of a beggar is when we were travelling somewhere. I was maybe 4 or 5 yrs old. It was winters. And we were eating. This little boy who was about 4-5 years old too, and had absolutely no clothes on his impoverished body came to us. My mom gave him some of the food we had. He went away, but left behind a string of uncomfortable questions and an unerasable trace in my mind. "Why is he naked, mummy? Why does he ask for food? Where are his parents? Why is he poor? What is poor? Why don't all people have money? How can we remove poverty, mummy?" My mom never had any final and conclusive answers for me. One question always led to another. Even today, do we have any answers? There isn't any answer.

But these people, were just better-dressed beggars, con-men, or actually in real trouble? There is no answer to this question either. It was simply a matter of trusting their word. I offered food. He said someone gave them biscuits. I said I couldn't give them money, I was a student... He asked if there was any other person who could help... I said, ok, wait, I will try.

I came upstairs. quickly filled a small bottle with milk for the baby, and a larger bottle with cold water. put them in a polybag. got out a 100 rupee note from my wallet and went back down. They were still there, waiting for me. The security guard saw it all, as I showed the milk and water and money to the man, said it was all that I could do and left. I didn't give him much time to feel embarrassed at the charity nor did I receive profuse thanks. I walked away still feeling confused, telling myself I did good. I had more than a hundred rupees worth cake and multi-grain bread in my hand when I encountered them. It was a luxury that I would consume without a thought. But for these, a hundred rupees may mean more than anything at this moment. (Rs. 100 is less than $2.50, about 300 yen, it is a small amount in USA or Japan, but most working class Indians don't earn that much in a day.)

I don't know if I did right. I thought, let me trust and have blind faith in their word. I don't know if I did right because it is a human tendency to distrust. But I also feel naive. I am trusting someone I don't know and giving them a big amount of money. (normally one would give Rs. 5 to a beggar, or 10 in some cases). I didn't feel completely happy with what I did. Only because I feel everyone else would tell me I am stupid to have given in. I felt guilty telling my sister, even though she said it was ok. She didn't say I was silly. I don't know why in this case I need approval from others. I never usually do. I listen to my instincts and go with it. Why should I feel that maybe I have been duped? They really did look lost and I wanted to help. So I did. Was it wrong of me to? Is it wrong of me to be having these thoughts?

I console myself that I do not go to temples and offer donations, but have done something that is in a way equivalent to that blind faith. And maybe I have done more good than giving at a temple, if it helps this family. I always become angry at the hordes of people who go to temples and in the name of offerings give away more than they would to a person in need.

There was once a major event when many Hindus all over the city received calls early in the morning, that Ganeshas will drink milk today. The news spread like wildfire. And everyone went to their neighbourhood temples to offer milk to Ganeshji. I cannot count how many litres of milk was sold, and touched to the lips of that stone idol, and wasted by countless people. I refused to go. My friends came to summon me so we could go together, and I said it was bullshit, and that I would rather give the milk to a poor and hungry person. My friends were horrified at my atheism and I didn't care. I was proud to be above these silly mortals. I was proud that my family (mom, dad and sis - i.e. excluding relatives) did not go to feed Ganesh. I always believe in paying it forward - to my peers, to my fellow human beings - not to an unknown and unknowable God. I had an opportunity today to put my belief in action.

If religion is blind faith, then my religion is believing in human beings. There are doubts in this religion as in any other. Doubts that undermine the faith. Faith that has to fight its way.

Question is - have I passed the test of faith?